Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
