I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
this must be what syphilis tastes like
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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