I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
