just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We are two peas in an std pod
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
