Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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