He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
