Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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