She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
