just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
