Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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