I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm at about main and main street
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend