I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.