I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.