I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.