Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He did a backflip because drugs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
