32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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