I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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