Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize