There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
