you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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