i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
