I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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