im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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