you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He? As in you personified your dick?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
