It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
