youre lurking in front of me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
