Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
