This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He better not be in your backpack
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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