thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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