I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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