I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
