Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
