I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
