In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
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