I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
