recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
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No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We need to get me chipped asap
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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