just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
