This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
