I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
