I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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