Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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