Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
