Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
