I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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