sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
