Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize