I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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