Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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