We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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