I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
