in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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