I think I died a long time ago.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
