Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
