They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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