Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Randomize
