I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
