I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
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I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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